Wednesday, August 25, 2004
My eyes look a little greener when I cry.
I wish I could talk to someone who understood. I supposed a few people would, but I actually don't know that I want to talk. I kind of just want to wallow in this. Maybe it will make me do something about it.
Few things require as much passion as dancing. I'd say its limited to performance art and MAYBE art in general. There's just something soul satisfying about dancing that accounting, chemistry, and psychology don't have. Nothing in the world could make me feel that good; not the best chocolate, the best hug, or even the best sex. Sex has never been as satisfying as a dance, ever. It sparked something inside me and made me beautiful, like the most beautiful thing on earth. I was glowing, floating across the stage, the gym, the hallway, the bathroom, anywhere. When I danced, not one thing, not one person could touch me. I was invincible, immortal. Dance was the safest place I've ever been. I could dance my way into anyone's heart and into the very sweetest Utopia. The best and worst of emotions could all be danced away. How does one handle the most tragic days in life gracefully? Dance it out. Dance it all out until everything is gone and you cannot dance anymore. Some of my worst days yielded my most amazing dancing. That's all the therapy I'll ever need. The dance floor is my couch. My body is my mouth. My movements are my words. The mirror is my doctor. Body language can only tell the truth and a mirror will never lie. I was so lucky to have a dance floor as a canvas to paint my life on for 10 years. Losing it felt like having a piece of my soul stripped away. Its funny though...I always joked about getting my soul back from drill team on the last night of Spring Show, when really, that's precisely when it fell apart. The day I stopped dancing was the day I became incomplete. I fear nothing else will ever be able to fill that void. I mean, dancing was practically an out of body experience for me. When I performed, something would just simply take me over and I, to this day, cannot remember how I felt or what I thought about during a performance. I danced in a different dimension; my own. Maybe I was just a little closer to heaven. I wonder if I'll ever make it back before I die...
I just wish words were enough to explain this.
"That which cannot be spoken can be sung,
That which cannot be sung can be danced." ~Old French saying
Few things require as much passion as dancing. I'd say its limited to performance art and MAYBE art in general. There's just something soul satisfying about dancing that accounting, chemistry, and psychology don't have. Nothing in the world could make me feel that good; not the best chocolate, the best hug, or even the best sex. Sex has never been as satisfying as a dance, ever. It sparked something inside me and made me beautiful, like the most beautiful thing on earth. I was glowing, floating across the stage, the gym, the hallway, the bathroom, anywhere. When I danced, not one thing, not one person could touch me. I was invincible, immortal. Dance was the safest place I've ever been. I could dance my way into anyone's heart and into the very sweetest Utopia. The best and worst of emotions could all be danced away. How does one handle the most tragic days in life gracefully? Dance it out. Dance it all out until everything is gone and you cannot dance anymore. Some of my worst days yielded my most amazing dancing. That's all the therapy I'll ever need. The dance floor is my couch. My body is my mouth. My movements are my words. The mirror is my doctor. Body language can only tell the truth and a mirror will never lie. I was so lucky to have a dance floor as a canvas to paint my life on for 10 years. Losing it felt like having a piece of my soul stripped away. Its funny though...I always joked about getting my soul back from drill team on the last night of Spring Show, when really, that's precisely when it fell apart. The day I stopped dancing was the day I became incomplete. I fear nothing else will ever be able to fill that void. I mean, dancing was practically an out of body experience for me. When I performed, something would just simply take me over and I, to this day, cannot remember how I felt or what I thought about during a performance. I danced in a different dimension; my own. Maybe I was just a little closer to heaven. I wonder if I'll ever make it back before I die...
I just wish words were enough to explain this.
"That which cannot be spoken can be sung,
That which cannot be sung can be danced." ~Old French saying
Monday, July 19, 2004
The Battle of Los Angeles
Ok so I’ve kind of neglected to write anything for a while. I’ve been busy though, so you must forgive me. I don’t even have the will power to write about everything that’s happened to me since I last wrote, but I’ll try and cover the important stuff.
The internship is going well. Sometimes it gets boring, but I still love the environment and the whole accessory thing. Nothing terribly interesting happens except for me finding out that I can get the $500 purses somewhere for like $50. Badass. I don’t think I get an actual discount on the stuff though. Of course even with a discount the shit is still a lot of money.
Work is going well too. I spend so much time there, its not even funny anymore. There are lots of cool people though. I’ve gotten to be pretty close to some of them. Lately I’ve seen: Jack Black, Carmen & Dave (again), and a few others, but it doesn’t compare to the ones I missed at the Bourne Supremacy world premier: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Julia Stiles, Magic Johnson, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock and others. Does that suck or what? Anyway, the other night it was one girl’s birthday so a whole bunch of people went to this pub and I got in because I said I wasn’t drinking. Too bad someone bought me a drink and once that happened I could just order as much as I wanted. So yeah, it was pretty cool hanging out with everyone somewhere else. And remember Matt? Okay well we’ve talked about dating and stuff and we’ve been hanging out and stuff lately and people were noticing that night. This is when the shit hit the fan. At that point a billion people were asking me questions about it and stuff. So then other guys are trying to talk me out of it and stuff. Ben, Trey, and Jake think it’s a bad idea and of course have to play big brother since Matt wasn’t there. I got a free drink out of it though because this one guy Aaron, who by the is a total cutie, seemed a little disappointed and may or may not be trying to score some points, which he did. He’s so cute and such a sweetheart. We were talking about doing something today, but I didn’t see him when I was leaving work so we never made any real plans. Oh well.
And for my next stunt…As of right now, I will be returning to UNT in the fall. I will finish the semester, head home for Christmas, and move out to Los Angeles in January. My mom wants to buy a house here. I will live there and so will Matt. Matt will pay rent to my mom and things will be awesome. I can have a grill and a kiddie pool and most importantly, a parking spot. I will most likely go to school at the Fashion Institute, but I need to be sure that an associate degree will suit my needs in the career world. I’m trying to get in touch with all the right people so I can be sure I’m going the right way for myself. I just have to get enough information to feel safe about it. I’m actually really excited about going back to school and seeing everyone. I miss everybody…I guess I need to talk to Lorinda since the poor girl has no idea what I’ve been brewing in my head about this moving to LA thing. I am addicted to Los Angeles.
The internship is going well. Sometimes it gets boring, but I still love the environment and the whole accessory thing. Nothing terribly interesting happens except for me finding out that I can get the $500 purses somewhere for like $50. Badass. I don’t think I get an actual discount on the stuff though. Of course even with a discount the shit is still a lot of money.
Work is going well too. I spend so much time there, its not even funny anymore. There are lots of cool people though. I’ve gotten to be pretty close to some of them. Lately I’ve seen: Jack Black, Carmen & Dave (again), and a few others, but it doesn’t compare to the ones I missed at the Bourne Supremacy world premier: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Julia Stiles, Magic Johnson, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock and others. Does that suck or what? Anyway, the other night it was one girl’s birthday so a whole bunch of people went to this pub and I got in because I said I wasn’t drinking. Too bad someone bought me a drink and once that happened I could just order as much as I wanted. So yeah, it was pretty cool hanging out with everyone somewhere else. And remember Matt? Okay well we’ve talked about dating and stuff and we’ve been hanging out and stuff lately and people were noticing that night. This is when the shit hit the fan. At that point a billion people were asking me questions about it and stuff. So then other guys are trying to talk me out of it and stuff. Ben, Trey, and Jake think it’s a bad idea and of course have to play big brother since Matt wasn’t there. I got a free drink out of it though because this one guy Aaron, who by the is a total cutie, seemed a little disappointed and may or may not be trying to score some points, which he did. He’s so cute and such a sweetheart. We were talking about doing something today, but I didn’t see him when I was leaving work so we never made any real plans. Oh well.
And for my next stunt…As of right now, I will be returning to UNT in the fall. I will finish the semester, head home for Christmas, and move out to Los Angeles in January. My mom wants to buy a house here. I will live there and so will Matt. Matt will pay rent to my mom and things will be awesome. I can have a grill and a kiddie pool and most importantly, a parking spot. I will most likely go to school at the Fashion Institute, but I need to be sure that an associate degree will suit my needs in the career world. I’m trying to get in touch with all the right people so I can be sure I’m going the right way for myself. I just have to get enough information to feel safe about it. I’m actually really excited about going back to school and seeing everyone. I miss everybody…I guess I need to talk to Lorinda since the poor girl has no idea what I’ve been brewing in my head about this moving to LA thing. I am addicted to Los Angeles.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Maybe I just need to get laid.
Happy fifth of July everyone. I’ve been far too busy to keep up with this particular segment of my life. Things are going well though. I’m still loving it here. I love it so much that I kind of want to stay…for a long time. It’s a completely realistic idea. If I stayed here and worked for 6 months while I established residency, I’d qualify for in state tuition at Cal State LA and finish my fashion degree there. Reasonable rent DOES exist here too and I find that to be excellent. I mean, I already know I don’t want to stay in Texas for too much longer. I don’t know though.
I feel like I’ve let myself do too much thinking for the amount of down time I have. I’ve been having a loneliness issue lately. I think its due partly to the fact that I’m around guys all the time and I always hear my girlfriend this, my girlfriend that…but I think its also just that I don’t have any really close friends around. I haven’t had the time it takes to form a good bond like that. That’s okay though. Remember the 28 year old guy I talked about last time? Okay well I still work with him a lot. I don’t know what the deal is, but I feel like I should give him a proper introduction since I’m going to say that I officially like this one. His name is Rodney. Obviously he’s 28 and has a girlfriend. He’s in school to be an actor and this is kind of funny…but remember that other guy Matt? They’re friends from their home town and live together. Anyway, there have been a few nights where Rodney and I have sort of started to make plans, but they have all seemed to fall apart at some point. No big deal though. So the flirting level is high, not gross, but definitely high for someone who has a girlfriend. We’re talking some touching, always talking to each other, waiting for each other, mild sexual jokes…Obviously the girlfriend thing hasn’t stopped me before, but this one sounds pretty serious. However, he never even brings up the word girlfriend when he talks to me. I’ve heard him talk about her to other people but never to me directly and that makes me wonder. What’s my deal anyway? All I know how to do is break people up. That’s borderline obnoxious. He asked me what I was doing after work today and I had no plans but he said to call him if I was doing something. Too bad I’m not. I called him but nobody picked up and I didn’t bother with a message since I had no plans to present.
There’s also Rob. He’s so fuckin cute. I was supposed to go to some party with him the other night, but I didn’t really have a way to get there, so that sucks. I talked to him for a little while this morning. That brightened my morning a little since I was about to pass out. I got off work last night at 12:15 and then headed to some girl’s apartment with Mel to meet up with the boys. We hung out around the fire pit till oh, about 4 in the morning singing songs and drinking the beer. Nick and I invented the androgynous high five, but that’s a pointless story all by itself. I think it only works when you’re sitting next to someone and you both have armrests for your elbows.
Stacey finally came back to the United States the other day, only to go to Salt Lake City…which is not unlike a foreign land. So I’m hoping she’ll get out here soon so we can finally have some hang out time. There’s so much stuff that I wish she was here for and I miss her so much! I can’t wait until she’s here. I think that’s enough for now, have a good one.
Oh and P.S. Today I saw Scott Wolf, Carmen Electra, and Dave Navarro and on Friday I saw Giovanni Ribisi when I was eating breakfast. Damn he’s sexy.
I feel like I’ve let myself do too much thinking for the amount of down time I have. I’ve been having a loneliness issue lately. I think its due partly to the fact that I’m around guys all the time and I always hear my girlfriend this, my girlfriend that…but I think its also just that I don’t have any really close friends around. I haven’t had the time it takes to form a good bond like that. That’s okay though. Remember the 28 year old guy I talked about last time? Okay well I still work with him a lot. I don’t know what the deal is, but I feel like I should give him a proper introduction since I’m going to say that I officially like this one. His name is Rodney. Obviously he’s 28 and has a girlfriend. He’s in school to be an actor and this is kind of funny…but remember that other guy Matt? They’re friends from their home town and live together. Anyway, there have been a few nights where Rodney and I have sort of started to make plans, but they have all seemed to fall apart at some point. No big deal though. So the flirting level is high, not gross, but definitely high for someone who has a girlfriend. We’re talking some touching, always talking to each other, waiting for each other, mild sexual jokes…Obviously the girlfriend thing hasn’t stopped me before, but this one sounds pretty serious. However, he never even brings up the word girlfriend when he talks to me. I’ve heard him talk about her to other people but never to me directly and that makes me wonder. What’s my deal anyway? All I know how to do is break people up. That’s borderline obnoxious. He asked me what I was doing after work today and I had no plans but he said to call him if I was doing something. Too bad I’m not. I called him but nobody picked up and I didn’t bother with a message since I had no plans to present.
There’s also Rob. He’s so fuckin cute. I was supposed to go to some party with him the other night, but I didn’t really have a way to get there, so that sucks. I talked to him for a little while this morning. That brightened my morning a little since I was about to pass out. I got off work last night at 12:15 and then headed to some girl’s apartment with Mel to meet up with the boys. We hung out around the fire pit till oh, about 4 in the morning singing songs and drinking the beer. Nick and I invented the androgynous high five, but that’s a pointless story all by itself. I think it only works when you’re sitting next to someone and you both have armrests for your elbows.
Stacey finally came back to the United States the other day, only to go to Salt Lake City…which is not unlike a foreign land. So I’m hoping she’ll get out here soon so we can finally have some hang out time. There’s so much stuff that I wish she was here for and I miss her so much! I can’t wait until she’s here. I think that’s enough for now, have a good one.
Oh and P.S. Today I saw Scott Wolf, Carmen Electra, and Dave Navarro and on Friday I saw Giovanni Ribisi when I was eating breakfast. Damn he’s sexy.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Eff the whole posting everyday thing.
Okay, so it’s been almost a week since I posted anything because I've been busy as fuck. Yes, fuck is busy. Basically I've been slaving away at BCBG and ArcLight. It’s cool though. I like what I'm doing even if it hurts my feet. Let’s recap the past days with highlights and fun/not fun stories.
I got a 90 day gym membership at the 24 Hour Fitness in Hollywood which happens to be connected to the same parking garage as ArcLight. The other day on my way out I was ambushed by a man who looked to be in his mid 30's. His name is Phil and he's an official Los Angeles weirdo. He hit on me with impeccable rhyme scheme. I made the horrible mistake of letting him have my number, but it only seemed fair. I never would have guessed that he would call me that night…at 1 while I was IN BED. Since I didn’t recognize the number I just didn’t answer because seriously, what the hell? He called me twice the next day, once while I was at my internship and once while I was at work. He hasn’t called since which is excellent. If he does call again, even at a decent hour, I probably still won’t answer. I just hope I never see him at the gym again. That could be painfully awkward.
The ArcLight staff…It’s a very interesting group of people. They’re mostly all pretty cool. I need to stop being a crappy junior high kid though because I really don’t need to try and flirt with so many people. I’m sure some of them like it seeing how there are about 25 girls who work in the staff of 130. Is that not ridiculous? Its totally badass that its in my favor though. Although, I have to take into consideration the higher than I is used to homo-fabulous population. (Don’t even think about correcting the grammar in that last sentence. I typed this in MSWord and it told me to put I is.) Either way, it’s still good for me. I’m often the only girl around, and being the attention whore that I am, I LOVE it. There’s this one guy I’ve been scheduled with quite a bit and I was thinking he was pretty cute. Then I found out that he’s 28. That doesn’t make him less cute, but it makes me feel more stupid for even looking at him. I guess I don’t have a lot to gauge it on, but I think if I was 28 I wouldn’t really take a 19 year old seriously. I guess since I work with these people though, I see them as my peers and that sort of breaks down age barriers. Saturday night I got further acquainted with a guy named Bryce. He asked me if I wanted to go out and sing karaoke with people after work. Not that I would ever put my horrific singing on display, but I wanted to go out so I asked if it was at a bar. He was pretty sure it was and so I basically said yeah good luck getting me in. It fucking sucks that I’m under 21 here. Anyway, I guess that’s when he figured out and stopped caring that I was 19. He, by the way, is 25. He came and picked me up from here after we both got changed after work. We went and bought some beer and headed back to his apartment where we tried to figure out what exactly was going on. The place where everyone else was happened to be 21+ so we ended up staying there and getting in the hot tub and drinking. I was SO tired though and I ended up sleeping over there. No sexual activities were involved, but I still felt like it might not have been a great idea then next day. I guess I just don’t really like him THAT much. He’s cool and all. I’d love to hang out with him and stay friends, but I don’t know how I feel about anything else. Everything seemed cool at work the next day though. I’m not even going to think about it.
In other ArcLight news, I guess I could fill you in on the famous folk I’ve been seeing. Yesterday the following attended: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Salma Hayek, Charlize Theron, and almost the entire Sleepover cast seeing how we housed the premier. The other night I also saw Zach de la Rocha from Rage Against the Machine and I seriously almost peed my pants. Nobody recognizes him now that he cut his hair though. Then I saw him AGAIN today while me and Matt were getting coffee. Apparently he’s a frequent attendant of our neighborhood Coffee Bean. I got the most excited for him. Sucks that I didn’t get big into their music until after they broke up. Oh well.
The longer I stay here the less sure I am about what I want to do with my future. I’m not really scared because I’m confident I’ll always be able to find jobs that make me happy and support myself, but I just feel like I’ve got so many options flying at me and I don’t know what I should choose. I really love it here and this might be the ideal place for me to live at some point. I don’t know when. It might be in 10 years. It might be in 3. It might be in November. I also can’t keep telling myself that dance is in my past. I need it so bad. Nothing makes me feel the way dancing does. I can’t get enough of it and I wish I was still doing something somewhere, or anywhere. I don’t know where I should be or what I should be doing. All I know is that I want to be happy and healthy wherever I am, whatever I do. Its just confusing, but I know I’ll figure it out.
I got a 90 day gym membership at the 24 Hour Fitness in Hollywood which happens to be connected to the same parking garage as ArcLight. The other day on my way out I was ambushed by a man who looked to be in his mid 30's. His name is Phil and he's an official Los Angeles weirdo. He hit on me with impeccable rhyme scheme. I made the horrible mistake of letting him have my number, but it only seemed fair. I never would have guessed that he would call me that night…at 1 while I was IN BED. Since I didn’t recognize the number I just didn’t answer because seriously, what the hell? He called me twice the next day, once while I was at my internship and once while I was at work. He hasn’t called since which is excellent. If he does call again, even at a decent hour, I probably still won’t answer. I just hope I never see him at the gym again. That could be painfully awkward.
The ArcLight staff…It’s a very interesting group of people. They’re mostly all pretty cool. I need to stop being a crappy junior high kid though because I really don’t need to try and flirt with so many people. I’m sure some of them like it seeing how there are about 25 girls who work in the staff of 130. Is that not ridiculous? Its totally badass that its in my favor though. Although, I have to take into consideration the higher than I is used to homo-fabulous population. (Don’t even think about correcting the grammar in that last sentence. I typed this in MSWord and it told me to put I is.) Either way, it’s still good for me. I’m often the only girl around, and being the attention whore that I am, I LOVE it. There’s this one guy I’ve been scheduled with quite a bit and I was thinking he was pretty cute. Then I found out that he’s 28. That doesn’t make him less cute, but it makes me feel more stupid for even looking at him. I guess I don’t have a lot to gauge it on, but I think if I was 28 I wouldn’t really take a 19 year old seriously. I guess since I work with these people though, I see them as my peers and that sort of breaks down age barriers. Saturday night I got further acquainted with a guy named Bryce. He asked me if I wanted to go out and sing karaoke with people after work. Not that I would ever put my horrific singing on display, but I wanted to go out so I asked if it was at a bar. He was pretty sure it was and so I basically said yeah good luck getting me in. It fucking sucks that I’m under 21 here. Anyway, I guess that’s when he figured out and stopped caring that I was 19. He, by the way, is 25. He came and picked me up from here after we both got changed after work. We went and bought some beer and headed back to his apartment where we tried to figure out what exactly was going on. The place where everyone else was happened to be 21+ so we ended up staying there and getting in the hot tub and drinking. I was SO tired though and I ended up sleeping over there. No sexual activities were involved, but I still felt like it might not have been a great idea then next day. I guess I just don’t really like him THAT much. He’s cool and all. I’d love to hang out with him and stay friends, but I don’t know how I feel about anything else. Everything seemed cool at work the next day though. I’m not even going to think about it.
In other ArcLight news, I guess I could fill you in on the famous folk I’ve been seeing. Yesterday the following attended: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Salma Hayek, Charlize Theron, and almost the entire Sleepover cast seeing how we housed the premier. The other night I also saw Zach de la Rocha from Rage Against the Machine and I seriously almost peed my pants. Nobody recognizes him now that he cut his hair though. Then I saw him AGAIN today while me and Matt were getting coffee. Apparently he’s a frequent attendant of our neighborhood Coffee Bean. I got the most excited for him. Sucks that I didn’t get big into their music until after they broke up. Oh well.
The longer I stay here the less sure I am about what I want to do with my future. I’m not really scared because I’m confident I’ll always be able to find jobs that make me happy and support myself, but I just feel like I’ve got so many options flying at me and I don’t know what I should choose. I really love it here and this might be the ideal place for me to live at some point. I don’t know when. It might be in 10 years. It might be in 3. It might be in November. I also can’t keep telling myself that dance is in my past. I need it so bad. Nothing makes me feel the way dancing does. I can’t get enough of it and I wish I was still doing something somewhere, or anywhere. I don’t know where I should be or what I should be doing. All I know is that I want to be happy and healthy wherever I am, whatever I do. Its just confusing, but I know I’ll figure it out.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Saved but lost.
The Events of Monday June 21, 2004
Today me and the bro went and saw Saved. I knew it was going to be funny and interesting, but I really thought it was so much more than that. It was so multidimensional and deep too. It hit me in a few soft spots and there were a couple points when I actually had to hold back tears. I wish I had more people to talk about it with because I absolutely loved it. Its definitely on my favorite movies list. AHH! I just want to see it again! We went out for some Thai dinner which I’ve missed SO much. I needed some of that tea in my bloodstream. The place was really good too. Awesome. I can’t wait to go to Siam again and see everyone. We watched the Big Lebowski which I’ve never watched beginning to end so that was cool, but Matt’s still feeling sick so we really didn’t do anything else.
Anyway, so lately I’ve been thinking about all my options for the rest of my life. I’ve been doing some thinking about what I want to do, where I want to do it and how happy I’ll be. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I really like it here. I love it. I can totally see myself coming back to live here in the future, which tempts me to just stay here and not go back to Texas at all. Now that I’ve thought about it though. I don’t think that’s a good idea. Another big piece is that I really miss dancing. It was so good for me. It covered so much ground creatively, physically, and even emotionally. How much do I STILL love drill team? Is it enough to change my major and be a director? Someone told me something (a secondhand quote actually) that made me remember what I really loved. She said that I was the only person on the team who danced like they meant it (which I could argue with, but whatever) and that when I danced she could feel it. Just hearing that from someone made me remember how it felt to perform in front of thousands or even just 2. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? I seriously need people to help me and talk me through some of this stuff. These decisions could change where I go to school and live and work and all that so I feel like I have no control right now and its making me nervous. HELP!
Today me and the bro went and saw Saved. I knew it was going to be funny and interesting, but I really thought it was so much more than that. It was so multidimensional and deep too. It hit me in a few soft spots and there were a couple points when I actually had to hold back tears. I wish I had more people to talk about it with because I absolutely loved it. Its definitely on my favorite movies list. AHH! I just want to see it again! We went out for some Thai dinner which I’ve missed SO much. I needed some of that tea in my bloodstream. The place was really good too. Awesome. I can’t wait to go to Siam again and see everyone. We watched the Big Lebowski which I’ve never watched beginning to end so that was cool, but Matt’s still feeling sick so we really didn’t do anything else.
Anyway, so lately I’ve been thinking about all my options for the rest of my life. I’ve been doing some thinking about what I want to do, where I want to do it and how happy I’ll be. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I really like it here. I love it. I can totally see myself coming back to live here in the future, which tempts me to just stay here and not go back to Texas at all. Now that I’ve thought about it though. I don’t think that’s a good idea. Another big piece is that I really miss dancing. It was so good for me. It covered so much ground creatively, physically, and even emotionally. How much do I STILL love drill team? Is it enough to change my major and be a director? Someone told me something (a secondhand quote actually) that made me remember what I really loved. She said that I was the only person on the team who danced like they meant it (which I could argue with, but whatever) and that when I danced she could feel it. Just hearing that from someone made me remember how it felt to perform in front of thousands or even just 2. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? I seriously need people to help me and talk me through some of this stuff. These decisions could change where I go to school and live and work and all that so I feel like I have no control right now and its making me nervous. HELP!
Crush <3
The Events of Sunday June 20, 2004
Sunday I had to be at ArcLight at 9am for day 5 of the training. We had Matt who had taught us another day and he was also one of the people who ran the group interviews. I have a confession to make. I totally have one of those junior high type crushes on him. He’s so much fun to be around and he’s hilarious and he’s got the most adorable face. Oh I’m such a dork, but seriously, he’s too cute. I worked for 8 hours but it wasn’t nearly as painful as Friday’s shift. One of the guys in my group has proven himself to be un-lame. We seem to be getting along and enjoy making fun of the other 3 who pretty much bug the hell out of us. I got to meet some more new people. Almost everyone is really cool and super friendly so I’m glad I’m getting to know them all. Some of the guys are cute, but the official crush is Matt. I love it that of all these people I choose the one with my brother’s name. So I worked for ever and stuff but I don’t think anything super interesting happened. I didn’t even have to pick my brother up. His friend bought him all the way here. Hoorah.
Sunday I had to be at ArcLight at 9am for day 5 of the training. We had Matt who had taught us another day and he was also one of the people who ran the group interviews. I have a confession to make. I totally have one of those junior high type crushes on him. He’s so much fun to be around and he’s hilarious and he’s got the most adorable face. Oh I’m such a dork, but seriously, he’s too cute. I worked for 8 hours but it wasn’t nearly as painful as Friday’s shift. One of the guys in my group has proven himself to be un-lame. We seem to be getting along and enjoy making fun of the other 3 who pretty much bug the hell out of us. I got to meet some more new people. Almost everyone is really cool and super friendly so I’m glad I’m getting to know them all. Some of the guys are cute, but the official crush is Matt. I love it that of all these people I choose the one with my brother’s name. So I worked for ever and stuff but I don’t think anything super interesting happened. I didn’t even have to pick my brother up. His friend bought him all the way here. Hoorah.
I went for a jog in there somewhere.
The Events of Saturday June 19, 2004
Saturday was the first day off and oh my hell did I need it. I chilled out most of the day, slept a lot…sat my lazy ass in front of the computer for a while. Of course I did have to get up and drive Matt’s car back from Culver City at 9am, but whatever. You know, Saturday was kind of lame so I’m just going to not even talk about it.
Saturday was the first day off and oh my hell did I need it. I chilled out most of the day, slept a lot…sat my lazy ass in front of the computer for a while. Of course I did have to get up and drive Matt’s car back from Culver City at 9am, but whatever. You know, Saturday was kind of lame so I’m just going to not even talk about it.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Unnecessary broken toe.
The Events of Friday June 18, 2004
Friday brings me to BCBG at 9:30 am. That means I need to leave around 8:45 or so. That’s pretty early for me, but I managed. I don’t recall anyone trying to kill me. Today was pretty cool. I got some copies done, cut some more swatches, and of course, took lots more belt pictures. In the process, two notable things happened. Max (as in BCBG Max Azria) came in and I got to meet him. He’s an adorable old man who talks French on his cell phone. That was famous person number two in under 24 hours. I know. Its pretty outrageous. The next event of note, was not as much fun. I was walking over to Lisa’s desk to show her this belt (that must have been designed by a total moron because you couldn’t even use all of the holes), when I tripped on a rolling car full of purses. I stubbed my last two toes pretty hard and cut one of them pretty bad too. I got all taken care of, but they thought I should go down to HR and see what they think I should do because if it got infected it would technically be their fault and blah blah blah. Its not like I was going to sue BCBG if my cut was infected but they made me go to this clinic that does all their stuff and its only about 2 blocks from their place, but I was there for an hour and a half. And what did they tell me there? Keep it clean and put a band aid on it. If that wasn’t a waste of time, I don’t know what is.
That mess kept me from taking a nap prior to my 6-close training at ArcLight. Movie theaters close late mind you. I really wanted that nap. I got all ready even though all I wanted to do was sleep, but as I put my shoes on, I noticed a problem. My little toe was hurting like razor burn in salt water…bad. My toe may be broken. I don’t know. I just know it hurt, but off to work I went. I didn’t know how much I’d be on my feet, but we pretty much worked concession all night. We were working with some people who had just finished their training (One was in my group interview, but that’s a story for later.) and it seemed as though I could run a concession stand more successfully than they could. The guys I’m training with looked like monkeys. They really have no idea what they’re doing.
Okay, so the guy from my interview group. Will is his name. We met at the interview and I could tell something was brewing in his mind about me. Yesterday I was talking to him when things got a little slow and he flat out told me that he totally had a crush on me since then and he was upset when he started training because he thought he’d never see me again. I’m sure by now we all know that these are the sorts of things I thrive on. He thought he freaked me out, but I think most people would agree that’s pretty hard to do. I was walking with the guy who was teaching us and he told me that they haven’t hired a girl in a while so all the guys are really excited. That’s hilarious. Apparently the manager who hires doesn’t really like girls. Why she hired me is totally beyond anything I can think of. I guess since I had experience and lied about how long I would be here…meh.
So basically my feet hurt like hell by the end, but I had met lots of fun people and made some money so it was all good. All in all, not a bad day.
Friday brings me to BCBG at 9:30 am. That means I need to leave around 8:45 or so. That’s pretty early for me, but I managed. I don’t recall anyone trying to kill me. Today was pretty cool. I got some copies done, cut some more swatches, and of course, took lots more belt pictures. In the process, two notable things happened. Max (as in BCBG Max Azria) came in and I got to meet him. He’s an adorable old man who talks French on his cell phone. That was famous person number two in under 24 hours. I know. Its pretty outrageous. The next event of note, was not as much fun. I was walking over to Lisa’s desk to show her this belt (that must have been designed by a total moron because you couldn’t even use all of the holes), when I tripped on a rolling car full of purses. I stubbed my last two toes pretty hard and cut one of them pretty bad too. I got all taken care of, but they thought I should go down to HR and see what they think I should do because if it got infected it would technically be their fault and blah blah blah. Its not like I was going to sue BCBG if my cut was infected but they made me go to this clinic that does all their stuff and its only about 2 blocks from their place, but I was there for an hour and a half. And what did they tell me there? Keep it clean and put a band aid on it. If that wasn’t a waste of time, I don’t know what is.
That mess kept me from taking a nap prior to my 6-close training at ArcLight. Movie theaters close late mind you. I really wanted that nap. I got all ready even though all I wanted to do was sleep, but as I put my shoes on, I noticed a problem. My little toe was hurting like razor burn in salt water…bad. My toe may be broken. I don’t know. I just know it hurt, but off to work I went. I didn’t know how much I’d be on my feet, but we pretty much worked concession all night. We were working with some people who had just finished their training (One was in my group interview, but that’s a story for later.) and it seemed as though I could run a concession stand more successfully than they could. The guys I’m training with looked like monkeys. They really have no idea what they’re doing.
Okay, so the guy from my interview group. Will is his name. We met at the interview and I could tell something was brewing in his mind about me. Yesterday I was talking to him when things got a little slow and he flat out told me that he totally had a crush on me since then and he was upset when he started training because he thought he’d never see me again. I’m sure by now we all know that these are the sorts of things I thrive on. He thought he freaked me out, but I think most people would agree that’s pretty hard to do. I was walking with the guy who was teaching us and he told me that they haven’t hired a girl in a while so all the guys are really excited. That’s hilarious. Apparently the manager who hires doesn’t really like girls. Why she hired me is totally beyond anything I can think of. I guess since I had experience and lied about how long I would be here…meh.
So basically my feet hurt like hell by the end, but I had met lots of fun people and made some money so it was all good. All in all, not a bad day.
Fat Kid
The Events of Thursday June 17, 2004
Thursday made me want to cry. It was just kind of a crappy day. I got to sleep in at least, but after I got up, I took a shower and couldn’t find my razor. Annoying. Then when I got dressed Matt made some comment about how my pants were too tight. I just wanted to say, ‘Fuck you. I know I got fatter. Quit bugging me.’ UGH. So that alone put me in a pretty bad mood especially while we were shopping. I felt really icky and ugly. It wasn’t cool at all. When we got back home I still felt bad, so I just took a nap until I had to get ready for ArcLight training day 3. Matt for some reason or another wanted to actually park and go in. I think he wanted to meet up with Ben or something, so I was late. Thanks. At least training wasn’t as boring as it had been. There was still a lot of sitting and listening, but the people teaching were way cooler. We also got to go play in the concession stand in the CINERAMA DOME. The best part about that was that there were no people because its just the one theater and the movie was playing. We were still in there after it was over, so we had to talk over all of them in the lobby and tell 273593847589234 people where they could get their parking validated. Then something important happened. I saw my first famous person!! Seems like I would have seen someone famous in 19 years, but no, it just happened. Seth Green was there. He’s so cute, but holy crap is he tiny. I’d guess he could fit into a women’s size 2 pants and he’s probably 5’3” or so. He looked pretty normal though…jeans, t shirt, sandals. ANYWAY, we were done a little early that night so when I called Matt to come pick me up, he didn’t answer…5 or 6 times. I just started to walk to the subway station because I figured that would be fine. I was almost there when he FINALLY called me back and took like 15 minutes to come get me. All these pretty people were out in their nice clothes looking all good and having fun. It really brought me back to the crappy fat mood I had been in before, so I just went home and went to bed while Matt went back to 724 and swore he’d have the car back before morning so I could drive to BCBG.
Thursday made me want to cry. It was just kind of a crappy day. I got to sleep in at least, but after I got up, I took a shower and couldn’t find my razor. Annoying. Then when I got dressed Matt made some comment about how my pants were too tight. I just wanted to say, ‘Fuck you. I know I got fatter. Quit bugging me.’ UGH. So that alone put me in a pretty bad mood especially while we were shopping. I felt really icky and ugly. It wasn’t cool at all. When we got back home I still felt bad, so I just took a nap until I had to get ready for ArcLight training day 3. Matt for some reason or another wanted to actually park and go in. I think he wanted to meet up with Ben or something, so I was late. Thanks. At least training wasn’t as boring as it had been. There was still a lot of sitting and listening, but the people teaching were way cooler. We also got to go play in the concession stand in the CINERAMA DOME. The best part about that was that there were no people because its just the one theater and the movie was playing. We were still in there after it was over, so we had to talk over all of them in the lobby and tell 273593847589234 people where they could get their parking validated. Then something important happened. I saw my first famous person!! Seems like I would have seen someone famous in 19 years, but no, it just happened. Seth Green was there. He’s so cute, but holy crap is he tiny. I’d guess he could fit into a women’s size 2 pants and he’s probably 5’3” or so. He looked pretty normal though…jeans, t shirt, sandals. ANYWAY, we were done a little early that night so when I called Matt to come pick me up, he didn’t answer…5 or 6 times. I just started to walk to the subway station because I figured that would be fine. I was almost there when he FINALLY called me back and took like 15 minutes to come get me. All these pretty people were out in their nice clothes looking all good and having fun. It really brought me back to the crappy fat mood I had been in before, so I just went home and went to bed while Matt went back to 724 and swore he’d have the car back before morning so I could drive to BCBG.
Training Day (2)
The Events of Wednesday June 16, 2004
Early wake up at about 7:45. That kind of sucked, but I had to take Matt to E! before I went to BCBG. I got to do some stuff that was a little more involved this time. I cut some swatches and started taking pictures of belts. That’s seriously going to take me forever. There are SO many. I’m pretty sure its BCBG’s history of belts. Nothing too exciting happened while I was there though. I took a nap for a while before I had to get ready to head off to ArcLight for day 2 of training. We actually got our shirts and out ID cards and went down on the floor, but since we didn’t know how to work anything, we couldn’t help anybody. This one lady was so pissed because she thought we just weren’t doing anything when there was a line of people waiting for food. Whatever. We still just sat and listened to people talk about the company a lot...still boring. Two of the guys in my group are getting progressively more and more annoying. Blah.
Early wake up at about 7:45. That kind of sucked, but I had to take Matt to E! before I went to BCBG. I got to do some stuff that was a little more involved this time. I cut some swatches and started taking pictures of belts. That’s seriously going to take me forever. There are SO many. I’m pretty sure its BCBG’s history of belts. Nothing too exciting happened while I was there though. I took a nap for a while before I had to get ready to head off to ArcLight for day 2 of training. We actually got our shirts and out ID cards and went down on the floor, but since we didn’t know how to work anything, we couldn’t help anybody. This one lady was so pissed because she thought we just weren’t doing anything when there was a line of people waiting for food. Whatever. We still just sat and listened to people talk about the company a lot...still boring. Two of the guys in my group are getting progressively more and more annoying. Blah.
Off to church...oh wait no, work.
The Events of Tuesday June 15, 2004
I’m not gonna lie. I don’t really remember what I did on Tuesday before like 4 pm. I think I may have bought some carrot juice or something. I seriously don’t know. Anyway, in the evening I had my first training session at work. It’s all different people from my group interview, which kind of sucks because some of those people seemed pretty cool, while the people in my training group, as a general rule, are fairly lame. We started learning weird crap about the company and really nothing about what we’d actually be DOING. This theater is weird though. Its kind of the only one in its class anywhere so they run it all differently. Also, the guy who runs the whole company that ArcLight operates under is a man of the Church of Scientology which also makes things ‘interesting’. Day 1 is basically 5 hours of sitting and listening with a bonus 15 minute tour thrown in somewhere. It was pretty boring but I guess I learned a lot of stuff. Nick was working so I said a quick hello on the tour, but he got off at the same time we were done so Matt came and got us and we all went back to 724 because it was Susan’s birthday. I think Susan said, ‘Lets have a party.’ Which translates to, ‘Invite YOUR friends over.’ That seems kind of weird to me, but hey, whatever makes her happy. I was just glad to see some BBQ. We didn’t stay for long since both Matt and I had to get up pretty early Wednesday, so that was the night.
I’m not gonna lie. I don’t really remember what I did on Tuesday before like 4 pm. I think I may have bought some carrot juice or something. I seriously don’t know. Anyway, in the evening I had my first training session at work. It’s all different people from my group interview, which kind of sucks because some of those people seemed pretty cool, while the people in my training group, as a general rule, are fairly lame. We started learning weird crap about the company and really nothing about what we’d actually be DOING. This theater is weird though. Its kind of the only one in its class anywhere so they run it all differently. Also, the guy who runs the whole company that ArcLight operates under is a man of the Church of Scientology which also makes things ‘interesting’. Day 1 is basically 5 hours of sitting and listening with a bonus 15 minute tour thrown in somewhere. It was pretty boring but I guess I learned a lot of stuff. Nick was working so I said a quick hello on the tour, but he got off at the same time we were done so Matt came and got us and we all went back to 724 because it was Susan’s birthday. I think Susan said, ‘Lets have a party.’ Which translates to, ‘Invite YOUR friends over.’ That seems kind of weird to me, but hey, whatever makes her happy. I was just glad to see some BBQ. We didn’t stay for long since both Matt and I had to get up pretty early Wednesday, so that was the night.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Happy Flag/Birth-Day! Its time to spend money and get seriously creeped out.
The Events of Monday June 14, 2004
Yay, my birthday!! I got lots of happy birthday calls and emails and whatnot from all over the country + Spain. It was good to hear from everyone. I got up at a decent hour and talked to Julia for a while before I got ready to go out and shop. I went down to Hollywood and Highland, the fucking most tourist infested place after Disneyworld. I guess I could have gone shopping elsewhere, but that’s where I knew I’d find Banana Republic, Gap, and Express…all places I could find some good black pants for work. I forgot that it’s a whole big shopping center, so I kept looking around since I was already there. I hit up Sephora for some powder and I got some of that shimmer powder that smells and tastes, yes TASTES, delicious. I walked around some more and then this CREEPYass security guard starts hitting on me. Gross. He was pretty old and kept telling me his work schedule, offering me rides places, and telling me how beautiful and ‘exotic’ I look. What in the hell?! Do your job scary man and quite asking me questions!
Sometime after, I noticed that Victoria’s Secret was having one of those big sales where everything is a huge mess so I made my way to the table of my size and began digging. Now I’m not normally a Vicky’s shopper, but it was my birthday AND a sale so what the hell, right? Right! I spent way too much money in there and one of the bras was actually too small once I tried it on at home…Eh, I’ll just give it to someone. Something was amiss still when trying them all on though. It seems as though I may have broken ANOTHER size barrier. Yes, I may be a D sometime in the near future. How this happened, I’m not sure. It was only April (I think) when I graduated from B to C. This jump is indicating either an overall weight increase, a continued reaction to birth control pills, or just growing. Holy crap though.
I came home for a while and got really bored so I started to take pictures of myself. It was boredom at its height. Some of the pictures are pretty cool though. Maybe I’ll put them up on the picture sight since I haven’t changed it since, when, February? Anywho, when Matt got home, we decided to go look for (and not find) some shoes for me to work in and then go get some sushi! The place we went to was 100 times better than the place we went with Mel and Nick. Oh my gosh, it was so good. Then we went to some expensive mall where I found some shoes that weren’t too expensive, but also not too ugly. Hooray! Now all I need is some black socks. I even had to get some of those piercing retainers for my third holes. At ArcLight, I can only have one ear hole and the earring have to be little. Lame to the max.
We came back to attempt digestion after too much food. Matt tried and almost failed to burn his and Ben’s recordings onto a CD. After that we headed out to 724, where very little action ensued. Ben DID give me a bottle of wine though. It was just me, Matt, Ben, and Trey, so it wasn’t all too exciting. I drank most of that wine though. I would have finished it if it had been worth it, but I just wasn’t having enough fun. Not to say that it was bad, but you know how it is…So after we got home it took me a while to get ready for bed, mostly because my toothbrush had mysteriously disappeared. I still don’t have a clue where it is. Luckily I brought an extra one. However, if you have any information regarding the disappearance of my toothbrush, please contact me. I’d like it back.
Yay, my birthday!! I got lots of happy birthday calls and emails and whatnot from all over the country + Spain. It was good to hear from everyone. I got up at a decent hour and talked to Julia for a while before I got ready to go out and shop. I went down to Hollywood and Highland, the fucking most tourist infested place after Disneyworld. I guess I could have gone shopping elsewhere, but that’s where I knew I’d find Banana Republic, Gap, and Express…all places I could find some good black pants for work. I forgot that it’s a whole big shopping center, so I kept looking around since I was already there. I hit up Sephora for some powder and I got some of that shimmer powder that smells and tastes, yes TASTES, delicious. I walked around some more and then this CREEPYass security guard starts hitting on me. Gross. He was pretty old and kept telling me his work schedule, offering me rides places, and telling me how beautiful and ‘exotic’ I look. What in the hell?! Do your job scary man and quite asking me questions!
Sometime after, I noticed that Victoria’s Secret was having one of those big sales where everything is a huge mess so I made my way to the table of my size and began digging. Now I’m not normally a Vicky’s shopper, but it was my birthday AND a sale so what the hell, right? Right! I spent way too much money in there and one of the bras was actually too small once I tried it on at home…Eh, I’ll just give it to someone. Something was amiss still when trying them all on though. It seems as though I may have broken ANOTHER size barrier. Yes, I may be a D sometime in the near future. How this happened, I’m not sure. It was only April (I think) when I graduated from B to C. This jump is indicating either an overall weight increase, a continued reaction to birth control pills, or just growing. Holy crap though.
I came home for a while and got really bored so I started to take pictures of myself. It was boredom at its height. Some of the pictures are pretty cool though. Maybe I’ll put them up on the picture sight since I haven’t changed it since, when, February? Anywho, when Matt got home, we decided to go look for (and not find) some shoes for me to work in and then go get some sushi! The place we went to was 100 times better than the place we went with Mel and Nick. Oh my gosh, it was so good. Then we went to some expensive mall where I found some shoes that weren’t too expensive, but also not too ugly. Hooray! Now all I need is some black socks. I even had to get some of those piercing retainers for my third holes. At ArcLight, I can only have one ear hole and the earring have to be little. Lame to the max.
We came back to attempt digestion after too much food. Matt tried and almost failed to burn his and Ben’s recordings onto a CD. After that we headed out to 724, where very little action ensued. Ben DID give me a bottle of wine though. It was just me, Matt, Ben, and Trey, so it wasn’t all too exciting. I drank most of that wine though. I would have finished it if it had been worth it, but I just wasn’t having enough fun. Not to say that it was bad, but you know how it is…So after we got home it took me a while to get ready for bed, mostly because my toothbrush had mysteriously disappeared. I still don’t have a clue where it is. Luckily I brought an extra one. However, if you have any information regarding the disappearance of my toothbrush, please contact me. I’d like it back.
