Martini taste on a beer budget...T uncensored.

This weekend was just ridiculous...not to say that it wasn't fun though. Thursday night was another Phi Kapp birthday so of course we made an appearance. There were tons of people there so it was a lot of fun. I seemed to have gained a new follower though. Nick was drunk and asked me to marry him, but then he got serious for about 10 seconds and asked me on a legitimate date. Nick is totally not a guy that anybody would ever picture me with, so we'll see how this goes. At this point I'm not even sure what I think of him on that level. Whatever. We're actually having serious scheduling conflicts, mostly because of me, but I'm sure we'll figure something out.

Friday was supposed to be my doctor's appointment, but apparently I didn't remember the correct time so I had to reschedule for tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well and I'll be on my way to relief from the hell hole that is my reproductive system. After that, we were going to go see The Passion, but then we realized that it was WAY too pretty outside to be sitting inside. So, we decided to go to the park and play. It was SO much fun! There wasn't anything we really felt like doing that night so we stayed in and had chinese food and watched Serendipity, but I totally crashed mid-movie.

Saturday I spent most of the day with Ben. We had lunch with Chris and watched a movie. Chris actually made a bunch of us dinner so we all got to eat his fancy pants spaghetti together. Then came the crafting. I've finally started to do my hardcore wifebeater painting. I made one for Emily to frame for her apartment, one for me, and one for Lola. Apparently the boys were bored last night because I got a call asking us to go over there and hang out, so at around 1:30 we finally made our way over there and pretty much all we did was play monopoly and act stupid. It was fun though. At some point, many of us decided to be hugry so of course, an IHOP trip was in store. We were all so delierious that we seemed drunk, but really, we all just should have been sleeping instead of eating. The crew consisted of Julia, Lola, A.J., Ryan, Keith, and Schroeder. Apparently Ryan hadn't slept in a couple days and Shroeder was having girl problems. The gang had issues. I finally got back and went to bed around 7 AM. Awesome.

Today's plan was to go see The Passion. That didn't happen since the shows were all sold out. SOO, since it was another pretty day, we thought a picnic at the park would be cool. Then Ben stopped by because him and Franklin were going to do something outside so I just invited them to come with us. We got some sandwiches and headed out. We blasted the sing-a-long CD and of course, sang along. At the park, we got some good pictures...especially the one of the snake Franklin found and had to take out to a field. That was super special...Now I'm kind of just loafing around when I should be drawing so I think I may hop to it and get some stuff done for my portfolio review.

I hope everybody else had a fun weekend, and have a good week too!

I'm gonna be a celebrity.
That means somebody everyone knows.
They're gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my lips my boobs, my nose...

ROXIE!
(how strangely appropriate...)

On the way:
The sky*******

***Descended**

*********Softly
Y un nuevo amigo
(((((Acogedor))))
Fresh cherub
Mergeswithreality
Doppelganger
Of a crappy lover
--Inebriation.
--Misrecollection.
--Shaken, not stirred.
Lucid air balloons
For the mortals


Journey to a Fashion Omphalos

My classes are going well except for that mysterious 69 on my algebra test…what the hell is that? I'm sad. We only have a couple more weeks of figure drawing left. I believe we go back to still life drawing. Still life drawing is okay when that’s all you’ve done. After figure drawing though…ugh. That’s going to suck. I finally turned in that atrocious bust of myself, my EVIL twin. The structure sucked, but I did a good job matching colors and painting so I’m hoping that will be enough to save my grade. As for human sexuality, the first test went pretty well. I heard they were really hard so I was expecting something impossible, but I got an 82. I’ll study more for the next 2, but that wasn’t too bad. Fashion I, here I come.


The sky descended softly

On February 14th, at about 2 am, the snow started to fall. It was amazing. I’ve never seen snow like that before. I’ve seen the kind that doesn’t stick to the ground and the kind that’s all packed and dirty and old, but not this. Me, Lola, and the brothers played outside until 6 am. Despite the snow down my shirt and pants, I had a great time. Much trouble was caused and much fun was had.


Y un nuevo amigo acogedor

I meet lots of new people all the time, but it usually takes time for a friendship to really blossom. The case is different with Ben. We totally hit it off right away. Ben’s just a cool guy; fun to hang out with, good to talk to, exceptional to hug. You’re probably going…’T, you probably have a raging crush on this guy and you’re just not saying anything.’ Slow down people. I haven’t gotten there yet. Even though I’m 99% positive Ben and his friends are reading this, I’ll say it anyway. I DO find myself being attracted to him, but I hold back only because I know we’re pretty different. I’m fairly out of control and I don’t think that bothers him or anything, but I’m sure it doesn’t make me too appealing. Meh, whatever. I’m not really LOOKING for anything, but that's the best time to find something isn't it?


A fresh cherub merges with reality

I’m sure lots of you already know, Marissa had her baby. It’s a little girl named Sofia Estelle, sounds antique huh? She was born in the evening Friday February 20th. She’s a big one… 9 pounds 2 ounces. I haven’t been able to see her yet but I should have some pictures soon and I’ll put them up on the picture website. Now I really can’t wait for spring break. I hear she’s pretty AND doesn’t cry too much. Go girl!
I wonder how the cat likes her.


Doppelganger of a crappy lover

For those of you who weren’t around for my high school Gus drama, you will never understand how much it affected me. It was basically an over-emotional, hyper-hormonal ugly situation. I’m so glad I came out of it the way I did, stronger and smarter. I’ve always got my radar on for guys who could conceivably cause that kind of situation again, but I think somebody accidentally tricked the system. He gave me some of the same sort of treatment that Gus did, good and bad. That must have triggered those all those feelings that I thought I couldn’t even feel anymore. They’re probably the most horrible and wonderful feelings I’ve ever experienced, but honestly, I got so scared when I realized everything, that I almost threw up. I can’t say the same things would have happened had things progressed, but to my subconscious, those are the signs that something really bad is about to unfold.


Inebriation. Misrecollection. Shaken, not stirred.

Last Saturday night, Cody invited me to a party in The Colony. I really didn’t know how great of an idea it was to go since David would be there and had little prior knowledge that Cody invited me,not that it bothered me, but i guess things could have gone wrong. Also, it kind of seemed like a little, friends only party, so I wasn’t sure how cool it would be with everybody for me to be there for this belated birthday party. I ended up going and everyone was very cool to me. While I was there I tried to draw Chris, the birthday boy, but that didn’t turn out so well. I had a lot of fun until we were about to leave. Things started getting weird and I REALLY wish I could remember if there was a reason for that, but I don't. Oh well. I definitely enjoyed all the people and I’d love to hang out with them again, maybe in a slightly different context though.


Lucid air balloons for the mortals

This weekend, on a trip to Michael’s (the store), I discovered a big shelf of bubbles. They were only $0.49, so Julia and I proceeded to each buy a bottle. Last night we decided to spread the bubbly joy around Maple and Kerr. We visited Emily, Lamar, Ronnie, Christina, Lena, Tamar, Keith, Ryan, and CJ. Ronnie took a bunch of really cool pictures. I’ll put some of those up as soon as somebody sends them to me. Now I'm all obsessed with bubbles.

You might think it’s kind of weird that I’m introducing myself to you, but I feel like it’s kind of necessary at this point. Its time for me to get it out. I’m tired of feeling like people don’t understand me. I’m sick of waiting for everybody to figure things out and treat me the way I deserve to be treated; whether it’s better or worse than they way they treat me now. I’m ready to stop caring whether people, my ultra-conservative friends especially, will pass judgment on me. I know that I do the right thing by respecting them when they talk about things that make me uncomfortable, but I tend to keep my mouth shut when it comes to some of my views and actions. I just want to put stuff out in the open, not because I feel like I’ve been trying to hide it, but because if I throw it all at you at once, you might just start to understand…maybe. Some of the stuff I’m going to talk about may be things that changed about me that you don’t even know. Some of them you might think are blatantly obvious all the damn time, but I just think I should try to cover everything I can. If you don’t already know me, I apologize if I scare you or piss you off. If you know more than anybody else about me, I apologize if I scare you or piss you off.

SECTION I. Religion.
Most people know that I grew up in a Catholic home. My parents were never super serious about going to church all the time, but they were both raised Catholic and married in the church so they kept the binding promise to raise their children there. I grew up not really understanding everything until I was about 15. I started learning a lot about Catholicism within the church. After I started to understand everything, I started to really get into things. I attended lots of youth group functions and the year of my confirmation, I felt very connected to something. At the time I thought it was the Holy Spirit. Now I feel it was more like an idea. Since my days of serious church commitment, I’ve thought many things over. I’ve learned new things about Catholicism from OUTSIDE the church, which is obviously a less biased view. I don’t make religious decisions on a whim, so I’ve actually done quite a bit of reading and more importantly, thinking on the subject. I wouldn’t even call myself a Christian anymore. I still have some Catholic left in me. You know, things I didn’t really want to leave behind, but I’m pretty much in limbo right now. I need to do some research on religion because as far as I know, there’s not really one that I prefer over the others. I guess if I was forced to pick one, I’d stay Catholic, but it’s not perfect for me so I’ll keep looking. I don’t ever want to be someone who is part of a religion that doesn’t satisfy me and I surely wouldn’t want to disappoint my religion. Following a religion and defying the rules set forth seems a little stupid to me. Why do you associate yourself with that faith if you’re not even going to do it right? This is America, home of the freedom of choice. If you don’t like your religion, change it. I also see absolutely no point in saying you’re sorry for your sins when you’re probably going to do it again in a month. If you’re not sorry, don’t say you are. There are mounds of things I should have gone to confession for, but I never did, because I wasn’t sorry for doing them. As for the pledge and our money talking about God…I think that’s out of line. A country built on freedom of religion should follow the constitution that is the backbone of our legal system. When my high school government class was asked to write letters to the local newspaper editor about removing God from the pledge, I was the only one out of about 25 students who thought it was the right thing to do. What do the Buddhists think? Don’t some people want to pledge their allegiance to America in the name of Allah? The same goes for prayer in schools. All of you who think the children of the United States should be forced to pray in school need to understand that we don’t all pray to the same God. People who don’t believe in God shouldn’t have to feel inferior or out of place because they took advantage of their freedom.

SECTION II. Drinking.
I grew up around people who drink. My parents never made a big deal about drinking. My mom had me tasting wine when I was 7 or something. My parents never did and still don’t drink constantly or heavily. They always set a great example for me. Since my mom is Italian, she never saw wine drinking as an activity with an age barrier, so I’ve always been allowed to have wine. By the time I was 17 and my friends and I were pissed off about something, we decided that we wanted to see what all this social drinking hype was all about. We got ourselves a couple 6 packs and had our first girls’ night, beginning a revolution for the three of us and those we would initiate into the girls’ night group. It began as a rebellion issue in some sense, but it was kind of an outlet for the things that we weren’t supposed to be doing by drill team standards. We wanted to give it a try. We kept lines of communication about it closed because as officers we needed to keep being good role models for our team. Our team respected us and looked up to us and we didn’t want to lose that. In this case, what people don’t know can’t hurt them. As time went on, I would drink more and more, occasionally hitting a party at a friend’s house or something. By the time graduation rolled around, it was time to head off to Cancun with lots of my friends. Drinking was a common activity on the trip and we all had a great time. The point is that I don’t think drinking is a bad thing. I feel like people should be careful and always have friends around to look out for them, but I think drinking can be great. Some of my greatest memories, stories, and Valentine’s Day cards came from nights of inebriation.

SECTION III. Drugs.
As most of you know, I’m a very drug free chick. I don’t like saying this sometimes, but drugs scare me. It’s partly because I don’t understand them completely, and partly because I know how dangerous they CAN be. My close friends aren’t really into any drugs either, so I’m not even used to being around anything. I think the only drug I’ve actually laid eyes on is pot. People say that reality is what you perceive it to be, which can definitely be argued both ways, but if you’re in an altered state of mind, is that still reality? I find sober reality to be the most honest and wonderful place to live. I don’t want to hide from the pain that real life causes sometimes. It’s that same pain that makes feeling good actually feel good. I don’t want to rob myself of how wonderful and terrible the world can be. I’ve heard that some drugs make everything look more vibrant or make every touch feel even better. That’s not what I want though. I want the world to be honest with me. If I want things to look better, I just need to be looking at them differently. If I want something to feel better all I have to do is think about how I would feel if it weren’t there. Reality is the only high I want.

SECTION IV. Sex.
I’ve always been fascinated by sex. It’s something that’s been on my mind since I was little and judging by psychological studies, it’s been on your mind too. I’m not talking just fantasy here, but more about curiosity. In fact I was SO curious, that I lost my virginity at a very young age. I was 15 years old. You may be saying, “Wow, you were just a kid!” and yes, I was. I wouldn’t say having sex at that age is a great idea, but I don’t regret it at all. It was a great learning experience. I’ve had sex many times, with multiple people. I like it and I don’t planning on stopping any time soon, or ever. You can start rumors about me, or call me a whore while I’m trying to eat lunch in peace if you’d like, but attempts at making me feel bad aren’t going to work. Some of the rumors have actually been pretty funny…like the one about the tree. Nice. If you’ve seen my tattoo, you should have figured out that I have a pretty good sense of humor about sex, but I think some people look past that and just think it’s kinky. Oh well. Did you know that it wasn’t until the early Christians were around that sex started to be seen as something sinful or evil? Yeah. Also, I like to masturbate. A lot. I don’t think I should go into details on that because this isn’t meant to be dirty, just honest.


I think that’s more than enough to cover for now. If you have anything at all to say about any word of this feel free. I would love to hear people’s responses to this. If you were my friend before you read this and want to rethink that, it’s your choice, but I would hate to lose you. I hope that you’ve had an eye opening day because of this and continue to have many more with me in your life. I’ve found that the best way to do things is your own way. If people can’t respect you for that then they’re probably not worth your time or energy. And please, if I ever judge you unfairly, tell me. I don’t mean to do that and I’d hate to lose someone’s respect because I did. The more I hear it, the less I’ll do it. Now go outside and stare at something beautiful. You’ll feel good.

and im not afraid of leaving home
only afraid of dying alone
in the line of sight of every girls scorn
where all my torments and troubles were born
brought on the self against the will
pinned to a cross with a carpenters drill
you martyr, you martyr, no one feels sorry for you
who once had so many and now has so few
go back where you came from and where you belong
suffer the weight of everything wrong
get thee behind, i cast you away
it is hell you deserve and there you shall stay
march on, false prophet, back to your throne
and carry that cross, you martyr, all on your own

the master behind this writing is cody.
i just thought it was awesome and that more people should read it. none of you guys know cody, but remember david? cody's his friend that he lives with. to be entirely honest, i find cody to be one of the most interesting people i've ever met. i don't really know him all that well, but he's quite fascinating if i do say so myself. i would have seen him yesterday had i not been falling asleep all over their living room. i left around 11 and cody was off work much later. it was a shame, but i'm sure we'll all get together another day.

in other news, the mystery baby hasn't come into the world yet...and i'm sure marissa is feeling VERY patient at this point. of course, how am i to know...sean didn't respond to my text message yesterday reading "where that dang old baby at?" maybe he just didn't like my wording. whatever!

so tomorrow is valentine's day or something...i don't think i'm going to do anything special. the holiday isn't even legitimate anyway. i appreciate all the stuff my mom sent me and everything, but i just don't see a point. i feel bad for boyfriends everywhere. they're under so much pressure to be cute and spend money. my heart goes out to you boys.

i mentioned being at cody and david's...and that means i saw david. it was kind of weird. i wasn't really uncomfortable or anything. i guess it was just different. he really wanted me to spend the night, but i didn't think that was really a good idea so i went home. while i was there though, i started falling asleep and suddenly saw this picture in my head. it was so neat looking so i sat up and started drawing it on a reciept. it would be a very cool tattoo...hm...

my uterus has crossed me for the last time. i'm tired of being nice to my body and having it treat me badly in return. i'm going to make an appointment at the clinic and get some relief from it all. i won't go into details, but this will help me tremendously in more ways than 4. birth control will be my next uprising. of course mom still made sure to tell me to use condoms and not to smoke...thanks mom

i'm still looking for someone to live with next year. chris supposedly has some friends who want 2 more roommates for price purposes. i'm just hoping i find people who have a similar lifestyle to my own. i don't want to piss anyone off and i don't want to be that close to someone who pisses me off. hopefully i can sort all of this out very soon...eek.

i think that's about it for now. i need to go get ready for some phi kapp fun and maybe put away my clean clothes. maybe.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.

Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.

All you need is love.

i think we all know who gets credit for those words...

warmest regards,
teresa

its so cliche, but things like that become cliche because they're true, so if you expected something better from me right now you can bite me.

last night was adrian's 21st birthday and phi kapp threw him a big ol' party. lots of people and fun floating around everywhere. i finally got jason to take all his red wine out of the refrigerator. for such a refined boy, he should know its not supposed to be there. anyway....i wouldn't say i drank too MUCH, but i would say that i drank too FAST. after those sexist bastards finally let the girls play games, i realized this. me and lola (if thats confusing, its what i call lorinda) ran upstairs and sat in sqeak's bathroom and she got me some water. i don't know how, but julia found us just in time for me to throw up my dinner. i do NOT throw up. i've never been so drunk that i threw up before and i've definitely had more to drink than i had at that point. i guess i just ate too much and drank too fast. but after that i was totally fine and i went right back to my drinking. alright! i'm not even going to try to tell the entire story of last night. WAY too much stuff happenned. it was good stuff.

hopefully all my legal drama will be straightened out tomorrow. that pisses me off! i don't know where that stuff got lost but they shouldn't punish me for it. i did my part damnit. i just want my license back so i can drive people places like i told them i would...whatever.

marissa should be going into labor any day now. i bet she can't wait to get that thing out of her. if its a boy i owe julia a dollar, but if its a girl, she owes me. go estrogen!

i suppose that's about it...alan is about to be awesome and help me do some stuff to this bad boy. its gonna look all new very soon. yay!

despite the cold rainy weather and my sore throat, its a beautiful day. i've just felt so good lately. things seems to fall so nicely into place, even when i'm frustrated or tired or busy. there's times when i think i can do anything, but then i'm usually grounded pretty fast by whatever project i'm working on. the work we do keeps me challenged and focused and really set on my goal...passing that blasted portfolio review. but it seems like almost everything i look at radiates its own kind of beauty. walking around and seeing that feels incredible. i wish everyone could see the world that way. people always say to slow down and appreciate the everyday things we take for granted and i feel like i've finally been able to do that. next time you're anywhere, look around. find the beauty in everything you can see. there's so much out there to appreciate.

on the other end of the spectrum...lately i've also had this lurking of ugly. half about myself and half about other people. lately i've actually been watching my behavior, which is something i don't normally do. i tend to kind of do and say whatever i feel like. i started to notice that increased acting on impulses varies inversely with amount of respect received. some of my behavior wasn't really working with me on that. when i was out the other night i felt like i controlled myself pretty well. i didn't just sit there and not have fun, but i didn't just run around doing whatever. i felt 'responsible'. that's a big deal for me...i guess i'm just tired of never being taken seriously. i feel like lots of people, guys especially, look at me and see a face, an ass, and a few holes to put their piece in. i HATE that. i don't want people to think i'm some super genius, conservative, prude, or average girl. i just want them to look a little further than the surface and at least try to understand what i'm about. i know thats hard, but at least TRY. i have dreams and passions and feelings and thoughts that are unique to me. you can't find it all by looking at the color of my hair or the amount of makeup i wear or even the kind of clothes i wear. it takes a lot more than your eyes to figure me out. apparently i'm a pretty complex little creature. i don't want people to see me as some one-dimensional sex toy, but at the same time i don't want to compromise myself and the way i feel like conducting myself sometimes. i'm working on finding a happy medium because neither extreme is fair to me. is it wrong that i'm altering myself this way? even though its because of what i want? is it more unfair to be misunderstood because people are lazy and don't look deep enough or for me to edit myself for the ease of other people and for the sake of respect? its an idea that i've been playing with lately and its hard to make a decision. i want that respect, but i don't want to lose myself. i want to be pure, 100% me. should i even waste my time on people who don't see what i'm all about? is that even a waste of time? or is it just another challenge for me? who knows...